i am flawed if i'm not free

jackiebabe @ 2009-11-16T16:59:00

2009-11-16T22:59:49Z

It's been a week with the IUD. [details]

The insertion process was quick but, for me, definitely not painless. When inserted, my uterus went into an immediate spasm, equivalent to the most painful menstrual cramps one can imagine. This lasted for the entire night, during which I drank a lot of Bailey's and abused OTC pain killers. The next day was less bad, but still intolerable - I spent half the day at work and then wussed out, when home, and slept for 18 hours. The first couple days I was still bleeding, but then starting day 3 or so it was just spotting, and now I'm fairly blood-free. I waited until Friday night for sex, and there was some cramping, but subsequent sex has been pain and blood free, which I'm grateful for. The most notable difference so far is that I actually feel like having sex, which is an incredible change back to the person I used to be. It's excellent. So far, no more acne than usual, other than a break out that started beforehand because I was so damn nervous. It's abating. I feel fantastic knowing I'm off hormones and am really, seriously just ME.

Basically, I'm saying that so far it's awesome and worth it, but we'll see how it goes after the 2-3 month adjustment period. WIN.

oogle elsewhere

2009-08-24T17:51:06Z

i feel so uncomfortable a large portion of the time around middle-aged men lately. mostly because of the way they look at me. and mostly because they're either under-privilaged hobos (brady st) or over-privilaged wealthy men (work) who feel that they don't need to perform normal, everday courtesies like not staring creepily at any part of another person's body/face/etc, just because of their social standing. i wish i could send out a huge memo that i'd like to be left alone. i don't care if you'rea beggar or a millionaire, you have no right to talk to me or look at me the way you do. i'm a person, not an object, and i'm not staring at you, so quit staring at me. this goes for drunk frat boys, too. learn some manners.

raptors vs offices

2009-08-20T12:23:35Z

so, yesterday i finished Jurassic Park. fantastic book. more recently, i ate a muffin...at my desk. i work in a glass office-cubicle hybrid thing, and didn't really want anyone looking in on me scarfing, so i was hunched over my muffin, tearing into it. made me think about raptors a little bit. it was the closest i've come in recent times to being anything like a predator. how sad is that? my prey is a muffin, which in essence is the best prey my body's equipped for. no searing teeth, no claws, and yet our species has taken over enough to build huge buildings with glass cubicles in them where we eat our processed muffins in secret because we don't want to be seen. raptors would kill us so fast.

you know, my glass office-cube is the perfect place to get killed very rapidly by raptors. it's one giant velociraptor entry point. no escape. nowhere to hide. not even under my desk, becase it's all open underneath and exposed to the glass. the only comfort i have is that i'm one of many glass offices, so maybe they would get to someone else first, and i could make a secret dash (don't run - you die) into one of the vehicles sitting around, hope there's a key in it, and drive off. that's all provided they don't see me, and just walk over and open the door while i'm trying to start the car.

now i'm going to go drink my tea and get lethargic in front of my computer screen, and maybe do a crossword - the closest i get to activity all day. in the event of a dinosaur invasion, i think people in offices will be the first to go. they're physically the most unfit and unprepared, and their offices are a giant raptor trap. we have nothing to defend ourselves. *shudder* hehe.

jackiebabe @ 2009-07-29T09:09:00

2009-07-29T15:24:11Z

my new dilemma:

i don't particularly like my job. no news there, i suppose. but i need to start thinking about my next life step if i ever want to get out of here. i am therefore going to go through my options below:

of course, it may not be that simple, and might not be fun, just like a flowchart attempted in MS Paint makes painfully obvious. perhaps i could find another job that's better. maybe i'd like teaching, even though i'm not confident and don't like children. but the idea of graphic design, of MAKING SOMETHING for a living, that really, really is what i wish i would've studied. so who's to say i can't go back? how hard would it be? would i be able to do it during night classes? would my parents see me as a spontaneous and indecisive little asshole who didn't choose the right major the first time around? do i care, if it gets me out of the hole i'm in right now?

ughhh, i wish life was as simple as, well, some other flowchart program that has a template available.

not alone: ibs

2009-07-08T21:18:55Z

so, i've known i have IBS for awhile now. years and such. however, today i made a breakthrough. i found a website (imagine that!). it changed my views on everything, just by giving me what i've needed most - information.

www.helpforibs.com

i wish every IBS person in the world could see it.

oof. it's been awhile.

2009-07-08T13:45:10Z

it's been a long time since an update here.

money isn't nearly as big of an issue as darin and i originally thought. now he has a part-time job, and is studying with guardian to get certified as a financial advisor. i'm still working at concours. i wish i was doing something with art in the worst way. maybe someday soon. things could be better in terms of jobs, but they could also be a lot worse. we're getting by, and then some. we talk a lot about our future together: where should we live, should we buy a house, will i go back to school, can darin pay off his loans, will we have a wedding, etc.

maybe this forward-thinking excitiement is too stressful to me? i'm not sure, but lately my IBS is in a horrid flare-up. initially i took it as the flu, but the flu doesn't last this long and isn't this predictable. so i think i'm going to have to return to the whole food journal situation to get a grasp on this thing...again. pfft. never can win against the body.

speaking of body...darin and i have joined up at bally total fitness. never thought i'd join a club. we take yoga a couple times a week, bike and so forth. it's nice having someone there doing everything with you. i feel that this is a change for the better on a whole lot of levels.

i've given up coffee for the 800th time. i want to say that this time it's for real, but who knows? i might revert. this time i've changed camps, trying to drink tea instead of coffee. i've been at it for about a month. while tea has less caffine, it might be just as damaging for the intestine. i feel like i'll never get this whole thing down. there's always something new. oy.

a little monday fml

2009-06-08T18:29:04Z

who plugs the meter for 15 minutes when going to a job interview? especially when they know that getting a ticket means incurring my wrath, because i'm the only source of income, tickets are so expensive, and i can only be angry and we DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR THIS KIND OF SHIT! jesus christ wise up.

and then who gets mad at me for being mad?! why don't i get some sort of apology!? like sorry i'm too silly to plug the meter enough to be reasonable, thereby getting SECOND parking ticket that you'll need to pay today. gosh, i won't do it again. please don't be angry and thank you so much for paying it and i promise i'm on my way right now to make it better somehow.

this is no fun.

jackiebabe @ 2009-06-03T08:47:00

2009-06-03T13:59:53Z

i trimmed/revamped my bangs last night. at the risk of coming off as exceptionally arrogant, i must say that i think i'm doing a better job than the woman from aveda was doing.

that said, we'll see how they grow out, and see whether or not my plan for them makes any sense. my plan for them is as follows: i was given a pretty edgy haircut, with straight across bangs. i've liked them, but feel i'm growing sick of feeling edgy, and want a more feminine, "pretty", even contventional sort of look as my hair grows longer. i'm therefore going to, over a series of months, gradually move from straight bangs to cute little side-swept, finge-type bang things. i'm intentionally cutting my bangs on a slight angle right now, but you can't even tell, because they're off to the side a bit. my hope is that as they grow, i can steepen the angle, resulting in something between long layered bangs and a side fringe.

jackiebabe @ 2009-05-18T16:06:00

2009-05-18T21:08:28Z

you know what i hate? people who accuse you of being pregnant because of something stupid - like you're not drinking, perhaps for an entire weekend. stfu.

jackiebabe @ 2009-05-11T15:09:00

2009-05-11T20:10:36Z

okay. so i'm breaking out, badly. like uncontrollably. i haven't been under more stress or anything. and there's only one think i can think of: i've changed my soap.

what. the. fuck.

jackiebabe @ 2009-04-30T07:22:00

2009-04-30T12:29:57Z

i watched obama's first 100 days speech last night, and let me tell you - that man does not give up hope. he's so idealistic. it makes me both proud that he is our president and yet anxious that he will not succeed because of congress and such. at least he's giving us hope, though, that we can have confidence in a competent leader.

also, i haven't slept in days. i get maybe an hour or two of really fitful, dream-filled sleep and then i wake up too early to know what do do with myself, and struggle ineffectively to fall back asleep. i dream about complex, really weird shit, too.

last night i dreamnt that i went to urban outfitters and bought darin some suits and got some free shirts because of the enormous spending. i came home to find not only suits and shirts in my bags, but like 20 old baseball films and 50 nature books that i did not purchase. also, everyone's cell phones were smashed by a bully. and i mean everyone.

the night before i had this dream that darin and i were visiting my grandma's house (which in my dream is a shack with absolutely no development around it - just fields of flowers). we decided all of the sudden to sneak out and get married, then come back and tell everyone to get dinner with us to celebrate. my mom insisted i wear my grandmother's dress, which was a dark purple, and insisted i buy new, fashionable shoes, which were royal blue. everything was a hit, but what the fuck?

jackiebabe @ 2009-04-25T12:10:00

2009-04-25T17:11:17Z

my uterus fucking hates me. GAHHHHHH.

"turquoise is the color I need to get clean"

2009-04-13T14:56:05Z

my listerine leaked all over the bathroom last night while i was sleeping poorly in the next room. it's really smelly in there, and i'm not even sure how to deal with that. nor am i sure how to deal with my dreams.

last night i had what felt like 200 dreams, all about darin having a child with another woman. we would discover a child, and then it would turn out to be his by someone else, and then he'd have to confess to some sort of past or present situation. it was so uncomfortable and awful. i woke up a million times, tossing and turning, only to dream a dream almost identical in plot to the last. so weird. what was going on there? ugh.

jackiebabe @ 2009-04-08T15:04:00

2009-04-08T20:05:55Z

i like it when people touch my hands. i mean, really touch them, you know, with lotion and stuff. even if it isn't long, isn't meant to make me feel good. makes the back of my neck go weak. i wish it could happen ALL THE TIME. like when other people brush my hair. my whole scalp gets stupid. love it.

the trajedy of monday

2009-03-30T17:08:51Z

yeah, um, i'm stuck at work being that it's monday and all, and my mother called to say my dad was in the emergency room. she didn't sound too worried, because she thinks it's his high blood pressure meds or something, but they're testing him to see if he had a heart attack. and i'm stuck here telling people what model car they drive because they're too stupid to remember. what. the. fuck. get me out of here.

god save the queen

2009-03-23T15:07:23Z

oh, monday, how you eat my soul.

what is all this about me being from france all the time?

i would like to make a statement: i am not french. not at all.

that said, i google-searched "french girl" and "french woman" to see if i indeed look french, to see where people are being misled. i believe it is the bangs, and i'm saddened by the possible misconception that full sets of bangs originated in and are only common amongst people in the france region of europe, or that people from that region all happily sport that hairstyle.

again, i assure everyone that i am in no way from france, just in case you are one of the 10 people a day who ask if i'm french. or english. i'm not from the UK either.

now leave me alone and ask me what model vehicle you drive and what's wrong with it. because i might not be french, or british, but i'm definitely telepathic.

jackiebabe @ 2009-03-20T16:49:00

2009-03-20T21:52:51Z

so my hours got cut a bit at work,
by like, a half hour a day, and it's the best thing that's ever happened. i could only wish they would cut them just a little more...like to 8 hours a day instead of 10. but whatever. i'll take the extra half hour of life back. that's 2.5 hours a week! HUZZAH!

ALSO - FUCK THIS CROSSWORK THAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR HOURS AND CANNOT FINISH DUE TO LACK OF FOCUS AND STUFF!

unrelated but important - i keep busting my nails at work....and it normally wouldn't bother me, but i'm tearing them past the pink limit - straight into PAIN. dang.

jackiebabe @ 2009-03-19T13:11:00

2009-03-19T18:11:56Z

man...i forgot about CAKE. anyone remember CAKE? they're pretty awesome.

it's retard wednesday!

2009-03-11T16:46:04Z

me: "well, we have morning appointments available tomorrow. say 9:30?"
cust: "oh, tomorrow's no good. normally wednesday, thursday, friday is my availability, but not tomorrow."
me: "okay, well we could get you in on friday morning."
cust: "no, friday i'm busy."
me: "is there a certain day you're looking for, then?"
cust: "next friday would probably work. do you have appointments then?"

probably? woman! fucking make up your mind!

god. save. me. this. is. hell.

another reason to hate my job

2009-03-11T13:35:52Z

me: "okay, and is there a certain day you're looking to schedule?"
cust: "oh, any day would work fine."
me: "alright, how about friday?"
cust: "well, that doesn't work. next week any time would be okay."
me: "would tuesday work okay?"
cust: "yeah. wait, no. can i be a brat and take wednesday? that's really the only day that works."
me: "sure."

fuck me.
this has happened twice already, although the second time it was not as colorful. and it's only 8:30.

jackiebabe @ 2009-03-09T16:00:00

2009-03-09T21:11:50Z

my mind is just mush. we've been off-the-hook busy today at work. i've finally got a few seconds.

so, when i'm not paying attention, i pick at my lip. this is a known fact. but i also touch my face. a lot. to the point that i probably could get acne from it. i just love putting my face in my hand. or just touching it in general. like a total meth addict. what the hell, really? there has to be a way to stop. i also lean on my left arm to the point of constant elbow pain due to my computer's wacky-ass placement on this desk. whine whine.

also, totally unrelated - this weekend was awesome. cyndi came to visit. we did a stupid pub crawl that i only half remember, but from the part i remember, we had a great time doing it. i was drunk enough not to give a shit about the fog fucking up my hair or the fact that i walked like 4 miles...in heels. heck yes.

you know, aside from the job/economy as a whole, my life is the shit. really. yeah, i'd like some more free time, some more education, whatever, but dang, i have it made while i wait for that stuff. i've got enough money to get by on, i've got a fantastic man, my family is great, and i stiil find time to sleep a lot.

can i just talk about darin for a minute? he's like...one of a kind. i never thought i'd find someone else who appreciates laying around doing nothing, playing videogames, sleeping, reading, and watching films while thinking critically. at least, not as much as i do. i'm blown away by how good our pairing is. sometimes he says things like "i'm glad you let me play vids," and all i can think of is how he's doing the same. we can sit and just be, and there isn't that "what are we doing?" sort of pressure. does that wear off? is there going to be a time when we want to do something more? what will be the point of that? i'm happy the way things are. really, really, psychotically, blissfully happy.

oh, and the man can cook. really, where did i find this guy?

jackiebabe @ 2009-03-06T16:41:00

2009-03-06T22:42:11Z

i love how guys are sometimes so oblivious, and forget things like
GLASS IS REFLECTIVE I CAN SEE YOU ALL STARING AT MY ASS.
i mean yeah, the design on these jeans is sick, but really.

oh, quite right.

2009-03-05T21:51:45Z

so good:

http://warehouse.carlh.com/comic/comic_047.php

yes.

2009-02-20T14:26:55Z

her favorite thing
is to say
don't worry I got it
and everything she got
best believe
she bought it

hypothetically.

2009-02-18T16:42:02Z

you know what i'm terrified of?
getting engaged.
"why?" you ask.
because what if i screw it up?
what if it's something clever, and i don't get it?
what if i think the ring is not pretty?
what if it's not the right size?
what if i can't get any words out?
what if i'm sneezing?
what if i cry?

you know what i'm not terrified of?
getting engaged.
"why?" you ask.
because when it happens, i'll know it's the right guy.
i'll know it's a good choice.
i know i'll get butterflies,
which obviously will mean it's right.
i know i'll cry.

was crying even up for debate, really?